QUARANTINA

Hello crazy new world. I’ve been writing this post in my head for the entire time we’ve been quarantined. It’s been too much to process and put into words - which I guess is normal. WTF is normal anyway?

As one of the worlds biggest extroverts, this has NOT been easy.

I gained SIX POUNDS in the first 2 weeks of quarantina. I had the same GET ALL THE FOODS reaction as if a hurricane was coming. I also stress bake - all with the intention of giving it away - but still eating a ton of it!! I got my shit together though - got rid of ALL the chocolate in the house my amazing boyfriend surprised me with a pandemic Peloton!

Peloton has been life changing. Not just the bike, but the app with millions of other workouts and the ever-growing community. My schedule was packed every week with group workouts and suddenly it was empty and up to me to fill. Their instructors are motivating and positive and laugh out loud funny at times. Working out at home was suddenly really fun.

I’ve even learned to enjoy my at home yoga thanks to my dedicated teachers giving their time to keep teaching online. I don’t see myself wanting to go back to a gym anytime soon so I’ve canceled Orange Theory and the YMCA but have kept my yoga studio membership and will continue to do so. That’s my place.

I did feel like I was getting the the hang of the new reality but that’s a hell of a lot easier when you have no work. Which I haven’t. As of Friday, I lost my main source of income which has been really nice to have for the last 8 years as a freelancer. I knew it was coming - I’ve maybe been putting in 20 hours a week and getting paid for full time in the last 2 months. I have the network and the ability to find work if there is work to be found but I haven’t had to market myself in a really long time and I’m not young anymore. It’s scary. It’s unknown. Those things that freak me out the most!

As it would happen, last week I was clipping in for a ride and my foot slipped and I could no longer bend my knee. My GOOD knee. I was SO mad at myself that I let it happen even though it’s slippery AF. And now it’s been a week since I’ve been able to do anything but walk. It’s about 90% better but just so damn slow to heal and frustrating.

So yeah, not a positive post. I’m feeling my age. Past my prime. And my anxiety is at an all time high.

Because I’m really afraid.

Everyone thinks they are right and everyone else is wrong. But no one really knows. I’m having to take a break from scrolling Facebook because so much self righteousness prevails in a time where we should be coming together - being kind and understanding - not critical. But, when I see people out in big groups, it’s panic inducing and that in itself is me judging others. Even though it’s a physical reaction. Again, fear.

I know I’m not alone and everyone is going through similar things. Worse things even. I have 2 dear friends who have been diagnosed. Women my age. And I’m sure I will know more.

I will keep checking in. I know how lucky I am to have a home, the most incredible quarantine partner and best friend as well as a full menagerie of animals to keep us entertained. And wonderful friends who I cannot wait to hug and squeeze and sweat with.

I’ll leave you with the words of the immortal TSwift - my current mantra…

“We all got crowns. You need to calm down.”

My inner brat

Post marathon depression is real y’all. It’s harder than ever to shake - especially coming back from paradise to winter in the ATL.

In my last post I said we would revisit the terrible 12k and then I had ANOTHER terrible 5k so it’s time to discuss. Both came with a post-race, all day meltdown. It’s hard to write about but I think it’s important that I share the bad stuff. It’s not all rainbows and unicorns over here as I like to say. (There was actually a gorgeous rainbow this morning!)

So the 12k. It was for Jerome. One of my first run leads and an inspiration to so many. He died of stupid cancer, way to early, and left behind a gorgeous family and a huge legacy. So huge that they made this race HIS race.

There were 2 options for the course involving one loop or 2. I registered for the 12k because I had “just run a marathon” and “12k should be easy”. At first it was fine. My usual crew was not with me but the weather held out and I saw all my friends. LOTS of people were doing one loop and I got that in my head way too soon. It was an uphill battle from there.

Okay I’m fine. I’m doing this for Jerome. He was always strong and would want me to be strong. You could quit after the first loop. No I can’t because I signed up for 2 and I’m not a quitter. Okay if it starts pouring you can stop at one. UGH the signs they put out with Jerome quotes are making me cry. How am I supposed to run a 12k uphill both ways crying? Oh my God you’re like last. You haven’t even finished the first loop and you’re getting lapped. How will you ever make it through the second? What were you thinking? Did someone say my name? Oh hey Matt D. At least I’m getting lapped by someone I love. Oh yay 2 more people I love. Hey Robin. Hey Kristi. Awesome job. Okay, there’s the first loop finish and it’s definitely not pouring and I’m not a quitter. Jerome was not a quitter. Oh that was nice that I got a shoutout on the PA by Jay - Yes, Tina Tait is going out for her second loop. Yep that seals the deal. And just like that you’re alone. There are literally 10 people left on this course. Why do I care that I’m last? Have I ever cared about that? Well yes you were last a lot of your life. Last to finish, last to be picked last one to get a date. All that shit is from grade school and high school I’m beyond that now. No, you’re not you still have your inner fat girl. Why am I so slow now? I just ran a marathon and I can barely do a 5k. You don’t work hard enough. Everyone that lapped you works hard, doing speed work, for this reason. 4 days a week of working out isn’t enough. Well goddammit it should be. WTF? It’s all your fault and you’re totally deyhydrated and WHY did you choose this playlist? I need to stop crying. You’re going to be last and everyone is waiting for you to finish so they can go home. Oh wait I see a person. Why is that person going the wrong way? Oh wait it’s Stephanie. She came to save my life! YAY! Oh God I can barely talk to her without barfing but she gets it so we will just finish this last mile. Finish line. Finally. Don’t barf people are looking. Oh look all my friends waited. Where the hell did you park your car in the dark a hundred hours ago? Oh and NOW it starts to pour.

So that’s how that went.

It wasn’t much different for the 5k 3 weeks later, though I did have my regular crew and literally everyone else I know at the Track Club at this race. It’s a fun and fast one that I usually love.

I got a pic with our 95 year old rock star runner Miss Betty and I had a perfect ponytail!

But I’m still struggling. Still slow. Feeling fifty and feeling fat. Feeling left behind.

I guess, this, is grief. I like (need) to be in control and it is uncontrollable. It can happen when you least expect it and it can take many forms. It can be a fleeting moment or last for months. I believe it the root cause of most of my bad times but there are also things I can to do better, to survive it. Like being kind to myself, like not comparing myself, like not eating candy, like not drinking a bottle of wine every night. I honestly find myself surprised that I ever made it through losing my husband without gaining back every single pound and more.

But I’ve also gained so much strength both inside and out. I know I can get through it. Especially with my incredible support system. I’m still working hard and hoping like hell to see some progress soon.

I am the one thing in life I can control. I’m I am inimitable I am an original. – Hamilton.

This is Fifty!

Well folks I did it again. Marathon number 4. It was the hardest yet but I did not die which is great considering I turned 50 that day!

It’s taken me a while to write about my Hawaiian adventure because it meant so much to me in so many ways and the place itself is almost indescribable.

The race was on Oahu in Honolulu. It’s the 4th largest marathon in the world and is a rarity in that there is no time limit. LOTS of Japanese people of all ages come to walk it. We stayed right in Waikiki in the middle of everything and more importantly, close to the finish line!

The day before the marathon, we took part in the Merrie Mile which was a fun, fast mile right on Waikiki beach. The weather was amazing and a fun time with other friends in town for the race. Calmed our nerves a little bit about the next day.

And then, just like that, it was time to put out the flat runners and set the alarm for 3 am!

We started out in in the dark with an epic fireworks display and headed out toward Diamond Head.

The winner of the race passed us just as the sun came up about mile 8. A mere 5 hours faster than us LOL. 2:07:59. And then we headed into the sun.

And it got hotter and hotter. I had stomach cramps for the first time ever and was struggling so much at the half marathon point I had to let David go on ahead. I mostly kept up with my intervals but felt like an ant crawling along the highway, burning under a magnifying glass in the sun. We trained in the heat. A LOT. This was a very different thing altogether and there was zero shade. I almost gave up a million times.

But then, there was ice. LIFE GIVING ICE.

That might be a bit dramatic but I put that shit everywhere. In a ziplock bag on my head, in my bra and in the back of my pants. If it wasn’t for the ice, I would have stopped because it wouldn’t have been safe for me to finish. I ate it straight out of my bra and I didn’t care that probably 10,000 people ahead of me had had their hands in it. Getting ice every chance I got became my focus and that was probably good for my brain.

By mile 20 I was full on walking. Slow enough to reach out to my tribe and let them know I was alive but barely. I got so much love and was so lifted up! Suddenly there was a random white tent that a local running group had set up and they had ALL the snacks. 4 animal crackers and 1 LIFE GIVING BUD LIGHT later I was back and ready to finish.

A little over 7 hours later, WE DID IT!

And that was just the beginning of an epic birthday! We spent our last day driving around the the whole island. NOT running :) We went to the North Shore and saw real pipeline waves. We saw a sea turtle. We ate a ton of shrimp from the roadside shrimp trucks with our cans of sparkling rose. We found secret beaches which were like stepping back in time. We found the valley of the temples which I had no idea existed. And we made it back to Waikiki for our last sunset on Oahu.

And then we were off to Kauai. The adventure island! At the Grand Hyatt no less. I had flowers waiting for me and of course special birthday treatment! Finally time to relax. Right? I will relax when I’m dead.

Time for adventure!! First up, tubing in the aqueducts of old sugar plantations. There was a weight limit on this one and I proudly put my weight on that form. Never in a MILLION YEARS would I have done this when I was morbidly obese. Thanks to my BFF Jess @funsizeathlete for all the video on her go pro. THIS is freedom!

Oh but wait there’s more! Went on a snorkeling trip up the Na Pali coast. Not just everyone can see this place. It’s very protected and rightfully so. I have never ever ever seen anything like it. Luckily I have a video but it doesn’t even do it justice!

At some point I learned how to surf which was incredible and we have ZERO pictures of there were mimosas! I swear to God it happened and I got up like 11 times. Thanks years and years of yoga!!!

There was only one mildly rainy day and we drove up to Waimea Canyon where Jurassic Park was filmed. Literally over the rainbow. Never seen anything like it!

I also ate my weight in raw tuna and macadamia nuts! This Poke was from the deli at a tiny market and we ate it at the beach.

Speaking of eating, on our last night we went to the luau at the resort and it was all you can eat and drink. There have been VERY few times I ‘regretted’ my surgery and this was one of them. I had a few bites of most of the stuff but had to choose a bite or two of only one of the desserts and it was hard. Surprisingly hard! I can’t even imagine how sick I would have made myself in my former life. Instead I just enjoyed the time with David and reminded myself how lucky I was to be where I was. And with him. After running a freaking marathon on vacation :)

Coming back was the WORST. We were happy to see the animals but both of our jobs were terrible, Christmas was a whirlwind and it was freezing and raining for 10 days. We managed a 5k on New Years Day and I had a REALLY rough 12k last week. More on that in the next post because it’s worth dissecting. I’m also doing a challenge at Orange Theory and next week will be SEVEN YEARS since my surgery so stay tuned!

If you’ve made it to the end of this congrats! It was as long as my marathon :)