My inner brat

Post marathon depression is real y’all. It’s harder than ever to shake - especially coming back from paradise to winter in the ATL.

In my last post I said we would revisit the terrible 12k and then I had ANOTHER terrible 5k so it’s time to discuss. Both came with a post-race, all day meltdown. It’s hard to write about but I think it’s important that I share the bad stuff. It’s not all rainbows and unicorns over here as I like to say. (There was actually a gorgeous rainbow this morning!)

So the 12k. It was for Jerome. One of my first run leads and an inspiration to so many. He died of stupid cancer, way to early, and left behind a gorgeous family and a huge legacy. So huge that they made this race HIS race.

There were 2 options for the course involving one loop or 2. I registered for the 12k because I had “just run a marathon” and “12k should be easy”. At first it was fine. My usual crew was not with me but the weather held out and I saw all my friends. LOTS of people were doing one loop and I got that in my head way too soon. It was an uphill battle from there.

Okay I’m fine. I’m doing this for Jerome. He was always strong and would want me to be strong. You could quit after the first loop. No I can’t because I signed up for 2 and I’m not a quitter. Okay if it starts pouring you can stop at one. UGH the signs they put out with Jerome quotes are making me cry. How am I supposed to run a 12k uphill both ways crying? Oh my God you’re like last. You haven’t even finished the first loop and you’re getting lapped. How will you ever make it through the second? What were you thinking? Did someone say my name? Oh hey Matt D. At least I’m getting lapped by someone I love. Oh yay 2 more people I love. Hey Robin. Hey Kristi. Awesome job. Okay, there’s the first loop finish and it’s definitely not pouring and I’m not a quitter. Jerome was not a quitter. Oh that was nice that I got a shoutout on the PA by Jay - Yes, Tina Tait is going out for her second loop. Yep that seals the deal. And just like that you’re alone. There are literally 10 people left on this course. Why do I care that I’m last? Have I ever cared about that? Well yes you were last a lot of your life. Last to finish, last to be picked last one to get a date. All that shit is from grade school and high school I’m beyond that now. No, you’re not you still have your inner fat girl. Why am I so slow now? I just ran a marathon and I can barely do a 5k. You don’t work hard enough. Everyone that lapped you works hard, doing speed work, for this reason. 4 days a week of working out isn’t enough. Well goddammit it should be. WTF? It’s all your fault and you’re totally deyhydrated and WHY did you choose this playlist? I need to stop crying. You’re going to be last and everyone is waiting for you to finish so they can go home. Oh wait I see a person. Why is that person going the wrong way? Oh wait it’s Stephanie. She came to save my life! YAY! Oh God I can barely talk to her without barfing but she gets it so we will just finish this last mile. Finish line. Finally. Don’t barf people are looking. Oh look all my friends waited. Where the hell did you park your car in the dark a hundred hours ago? Oh and NOW it starts to pour.

So that’s how that went.

It wasn’t much different for the 5k 3 weeks later, though I did have my regular crew and literally everyone else I know at the Track Club at this race. It’s a fun and fast one that I usually love.

I got a pic with our 95 year old rock star runner Miss Betty and I had a perfect ponytail!

But I’m still struggling. Still slow. Feeling fifty and feeling fat. Feeling left behind.

I guess, this, is grief. I like (need) to be in control and it is uncontrollable. It can happen when you least expect it and it can take many forms. It can be a fleeting moment or last for months. I believe it the root cause of most of my bad times but there are also things I can to do better, to survive it. Like being kind to myself, like not comparing myself, like not eating candy, like not drinking a bottle of wine every night. I honestly find myself surprised that I ever made it through losing my husband without gaining back every single pound and more.

But I’ve also gained so much strength both inside and out. I know I can get through it. Especially with my incredible support system. I’m still working hard and hoping like hell to see some progress soon.

I am the one thing in life I can control. I’m I am inimitable I am an original. – Hamilton.