1 year later....an epic repost

I can't bring myself to write about how I'm feeling right now but I promise that I will in the coming days. In the meantime, I do know that I'm proud of myself for keeping my job and not gaining back 130 pounds. Alistair would have been proud of that too. I'm resposting this because it's important to me. People ask me what they can do and my answer is: find the balance, take care of yourselves and each other and for Gods sake stop smoking!

Just eat the fu#*ing english muffin

October 06, 2016

It's been a long LONG time since I've posted and I've been putting it off for months now but the time has come to write about the day that everything changed.

On July 25th, I woke to a phone call at 6:30 am from a random person telling me my husband had been in a bicycle accident. As I got dressed in a haze I packed my laptop thinking it would probably be a long day in the ER but everything would be fine. I kept saying "please be okay. Please be okay." Over and over. When I got to the desk they sent me through a door and that's when I saw the ER full of people and 2 people on top of him doing CPR. I knew right away that it had been over an hour and I just collapsed into the arms of the doctor.

There was no accident. He just died of a heart attack right then and there on his bicycle on his way to work. Just like that the love of my life was gone forever at 51 years old and suddenly I'm a 46 year old widow. I can't even believe this is my life.

In the weeks leading up to this, I was experimenting with the whole 30 diet after gaining 15 pounds training for my first marathon.  It was SO hard. My brain missed dairy and alcohol the most. My body missed grains. My heart missed having fun and being social. Whole 30 is not recommended during training or intense physical activity but at this point I was "only" doing 10 mile runs at that point ramping up to my 2nd marathon. On July 23rd, after that 10 mile run, I finished in cold sweats and saw black spots and headed to the nearest breakfast restaurant to say goodbye to the whole 30 and eat an english muffin.

When I got home I broke the rules again and jumped on the scale and was delighted to have lost 15 pounds in the 17 days I made it on the program. Of course in my brain that means "let's celebrate and and have fun and drink all weekend now wooohooo!!"

I had A LOT of fun and A LOT to drink that day. So much so that we woke up the next morning in the guest room to my 5:30 alarm. I was confused but got up as I remembered I was supposed to go on a sunrise hike. He asked where I was going and I said "hiking stone mountain!" He said "You're crazy!" I said "I know!" and I kissed him and walked out the door. That morning while I was out hiking, he completed a huge personal challenge of his own which was 10,000 miles on his new bike on map my ride.

Later that day we spent the afternoon in our local pub laughing about the night before and how we ended up in the guest room ;). It was SUCH a fun weekend. More fun that people should be having as I would say about some of our weekends together.

The next morning he left for work and never came back. I'm sure he kissed me. In fact I know he did but I don't remember. What I am thankful for is that I ate the english muffin which led to a weekend of fun which was to be our last.

To me the moral of the story is about balance. Something I'm always seeking. I was obsessed with my weight gain and took a drastic measure to change it but lost myself in the battle once again. Health and maintaining my weight loss is important. Happiness, love and fun are important too.

People ask how I'm doing and I say okay but really I'm not sure. I'm still going to run the NYC marathon which is a former fat girls dream come true. In 2010 I wrote about doing it one day for Al Roker but now I'm doing it for Ali too. He was supposed to have come with me on this trip in 28 days.

Stay strong, hug your loved ones and find the balance. You just never know. You will always be the love of my life Alistair Tait.

26.2 v3

Why? Because I can!

I'm probably going to keep doing it too. Why? Because it makes me happy.

There are people that don't think I should run marathons for various reasons. I understand there is a risk of injury and yes, distance running can lead to problems that could make me unable to run in the future but I don't want to live my life afraid of that. Everything we know can change in a second and I'm not willing to miss out on any of it.

“Haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate hate and Tina’s gonna Tait Tait Tait Tait Tait.”

— Roger "Ino"

Seriously though, I was feeling a little lost and not training for anything specific aside from a few half marathons so the universe gave me this little gem. I'm officially running Chicago for the American Heart Association thanks to a generous gift from a friend of my late husband. It was exactly what I needed to get back in the groove.

Happy place. Hill repeats. (visual proof of the groove!)

So I started on week 3 of the official training plan and so far so good except for a back strain and some random knee pain that turned out to be calf tightness. I REALLY need to do what I tell all the people I coach - stretch more!

In other news, I don't weigh myself very often anymore but my miles were getting faster and my clothes were falling off so I decided to check in with the chunk of metal that used to occupy 98% of my brain and wouldn't you know it - I've lost 5 POUNDS! AWESOME considering I gained 10 lbs marathon training last year. I weigh 125 and I'm totally fine with that. I'm not sure I've ever said that. Aside from working out 8 days a week (Mondays are 2 workouts) I attribute the weight loss to the FUEL plan from Good Measure Meals. I knew I needed to eat more for the amount of calories I was burning and as hard as that is to wrap my head around it's true. (Top tip: nutritionists know what they are talking about LOL) Because of my surgically smaller stomach, I'm only able to eat half of the meal (which is 600 calories) but the combination of the high protein and the healthy carbs is keeping me full and energized and satisfied. I was eating salads for lunch and once I started eating real food, I've stopped snacking except for the occasional piece of dark chocolate or skinny pop! So yes, it's true. It works and it's delicious and I'm not tearing through cabinets trying to find a leftover cracker or any type of carb I can find ;)

Sorry, it's only in Atlanta but if you're interested use this link http://www.goodmeasuremeals.com/fuel?utm_source=BRAND_REP&utm_campaign=FUEL&utm_content=TINA and the code TINA for 15% off.

Things have been going relatively well otherwise but the year mark (since Alistair died) is creeping up on me and I'm thinking about it a lot more than usual. There aren't as many long, sad days but more sudden moments that stop me in my tracks. It's like he's forcing me to face it. My role in my job has grown and I've been working out so much that I tend to sweep it under the rug and deal with it later. I still can't think about him without crying which is why I'm at the bar in the middle of the day as I type this. it's also the reason I haven't been writing as much. It's hard to dredge it up when I'm feeling okay. I feel like if I can just make it through July 25th it will be okay and there won't be any more first things. The last day we spent together was one I will never forget and it seems like it was yesterday.

On a happier note, Peachtree is almost here, I have an amazing half marathon in Vermont the week after and lots and lots more running on tap for the summer. Chicago is October 8th -the day before what would have been my 13th wedding anniversary. I will be with 50 or so of my closest friends from the Atlanta Track Club and I couldn't be happier. Yay Marathonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!

In between days

Here I am, 47 years old and listening to really sad music that makes me happy. Some things never change :)

I've not been blogging because frankly, I don't feel like there's a lot going on. It feels great to be well and working out 8 days a week. I feel strong and I'm running (almost) faster than ever which is huge for me after getting slower and heavier during my year of marathon training. I've been running races, climbing Stone Mountain and leading Peachtree training again. Oh and renovating my house and doing my job which is busier than ever (in a good way) and sometimes even working on my book.

One would think that was enough stuff but there's still a hole. Sometimes it's a small one and other times it's as big as the one on our most recently collapsed interstate 85.

There are times when I am not working out or working or sleeping or socializing (believe it or not!) and I'm just here, in my house by myself. Since that horrible morning 9 months ago today, I haven't been able to focus on a book or a show or even an article. I can MAYBE mange to flip through Cooking Light or Runner's World but most of the time I just sit on our/my back porch watching the grass grow.

Something I practice regularly in running and yoga is how to just be. Whether it's 'just be' sweaty, sore, in pain, tired etc. or in this case sad, anxious. That part of the work is much harder for me that the physical part. I can't/shouldn't replace the empty with food or tequila or any other distractions. I just need to be with it sometimes.

So yeah, it's been 9 months and I've been working on this post for a week. This morning I went all in - I drove right by THE spot where my husband took his last breath at just about the exact time of the morning and then I went to yoga. I'm not sure I've ever been so thankful to see my yogis.

Sitting with the poison takes away the pain. Up and up. - Coldplay
(Ali Tait HATED Coldplay lol)

Greetings from outside the comfort zone

I'm officially recovered from back surgery and have been pretty much in non-stop motion ever since. I have a half marathon in two weeks and I really needed to catch up on some miles but with a promise to myself that I will not skip strength and cross training! That is what is going to keep my back strong enough to keep running - hopefully forever.

Over the weekend I took part in a 24 hour adventure race called Questival. I was worried about hanging with my younger friends for this one and it turned out to be one of the best things I've ever done. Our team page is here if you want to see all of the shenanigans!

There were crazy challenges all over the city at all times of day. So so so SO far out of my comfort zone. It was all unknown and completely out of my control. (Oh and we had half marathon training during it all!)

But it was also was a big step in my physical recovery and a huge step in my mental recovery. I felt comfortable being out and about in the city again. I was excited about the unknown and I was only really anxious a few times. I truly had a blast and that has not happened very often in the last 7 months.

I'm going to try to live here for a while outside the zone. Just to see what happens. Less control and more going with the flow. I'll keep you posted!

Speaking of going with the flow, New York Marathon lottery is tomorrow. We will know if I'm running a marathon or not this year in less than 24 hours. Kind of exciting!!

Imperfect balance

I got an email from someone who found my blog today and it inspired me to check in and write - even when things aren't perfect.

I just had "one of those weeks". Full of fire drills, emergencies, drama and a roller coaster ride of emotions. Personally and professionally. Throw in some construction and plumbing and you end up here for lunch by Thursday.

Because of the surgery I can only fit not quite half of this most delicious cheesesteak in the world in my stomach. It went great with 2 beers.

I was supposed to go to yoga that evening but the tile guy was still here and I was about to lose my damn mind so I took the dogs for a walk. Of course it's "one of those walks" where they get all tangled up in their leashes and eat garbage while I try to pick up poop walking 140 pounds of dog by myself. I'm dragging them back up the street in tears when neighborhood crazy guy comes out and asks me if I'm okay. (bless his heart) Yes, I was that much of a disaster.

I woke up this morning feeling better and more clear headed (TGIF!) after a really good nights sleep and I realized that I didn't really turn to food at any point during all of the ups and downs. The trip to Fred's Meat and Bread was planned and not an emotional reaction to anything. Don't get me wrong, I was really looking forward to it but I had balanced out that decision during the rest of the week without even really realizing it. I'm proud of myself for that.

I drank too much, I ate too little. When I did eat it wasn't nutritious. I didn't work out and take care of myself. Shit happens and I kinda don't feel guilty for any of my decisions. I will run 11 miles tomorrow and consciously make it better week next week. 

Shoutout to Kathleen who inspired me to write about this today. I told her that the advice I usually give people who ask is:
"Just stick to it. No matter how much crap/life/work gets in the way you owe it to yourself. Your decisions are the only thing in this life you have control of and if you keep them 90% good it’s possible to find that balance (I think?!!??!) :) "
 

Reset

Nope, sure don't!

I had the chance to talk to a friend yesterday who's a seriously accomplished runner about 10 years older than me that has had the same back surgery as me. He said he had to set the reset button a few times in his life - basically adjusting his expectations and checking in on the reality of aging. My inner brat whined about how I didn't want to start over again and that I had lived enough lives already and just wanted something to stay the same. He laughed and said I was right and that while I get a gold star, that's how it is.

There's so much truth to that. I don't want to start over. I've had my Minnesota life, my Florida life, my college life, my professional life, my married life, my fat life and my skinny life and now I have to accept whatever this next life is going to be. I have no clue.

This weekend, with the help of my sister, I cleaned out my husbands closet. 13ish years of his clothes. His work clothes were easy. His football (aka SOCCER) stuff is never ending but I've managed to give most of it away to people who will appreciate it. His music t-shirts were 2 drawers full and that's when it got really hard.

This is about all that remains of the most incredible person I've ever met in the best life I've ever had. How is that even possible? It doesn't make any sense. Not even a little.

I'm 47 and starting a new life that I never wanted. I can't run from it (for now) and I can't eat my way out of it. I can't drink my way out of it (I've tried and it's a really bad idea). I don't know what to do with it but it's still my job to make it a success story, not a sad story.

I'm so glad I talked to my friend. If he can make it without running for 6 weeks so can I. I've got no choice in this matter or any of it. Maybe this next life is about accepting just that.  

I see the doctor again on Wednesday but still have 4 weeks to go before I can run again. Once I can do that again or ANYTHING for that matter I'm sure it will get a little more upbeat around here but for now it's the honest ramblings from the depths of my (very) confused mind.