a little progress

I went back to the gym and I didn't die. In fact, I didn't even gain much more than 3 pounds since I've been away but that's not really the point. The point is I enjoy how I feel when I'm exercising and eating well. I'm tired of "scraping by" financially since I lost my job but that doesn't mean I have to do the same with other aspects of my life.

Only a few days went by until I felt like a I needed to set some goals so I looked back at the things I enjoy doing. Swimming is mostly out of the question for the summer since the pool is packed from dawn until dusk with kids of every age. I never knew anything could be so loud. Even underwater.

So today I (re) started Couch to 5K. I was up to week five last time - I just stopped after a huge blister from the Race for the Cure. I really enjoyed all the mini-goals and the sense of accomplishment I got from that program. It felt great to do it again today even though I'm back to the beginning but i did get to re-listen to my week 1 playlist on my ipod (and I already have them done up through the fifth week!)

I was proud of myself for doing that today mostly because I didn't get up and go this morning and that usually spells disaster! I wasn't going to make excuses so I wore my gym clothes to my part-time job and went right after. I was soaked through with sweat and it felt great.

I'm not 100% over my "bad spell". Still having intense food cravings but the exercise and extra water is helping. I'm like a junkie coming down and I just have to give it some time. Thank you all for the reminder that it's okay to take small steps towards getting back on track. I'm thankful for all the support I have around me!

back at it

Thank you all for your sweet comments from yesterdays post. I cannot even put into words just how motivating that is for me!

I did it! I got up at 5:45 and was at the gym by 6:15. It took me a little while to wake up and get my contacts in but by the time I was fine. I did 2 miles on the treadmill in 45 minutes and made sure to bump up the incline on the really good songs :)

I got home, took a shower, had my Trader Joe's O's with strawberries and just about to have my coffee and it's only 7:30! It seems I can manage at least a little Today Show time for myself AND work out! More importantly, I know this is going to give me the energy I need to keep up with 2 jobs, 2 dogs and and a ridiculously clean house.

I would love it if I could do lunch time workouts but there seems to be too may variables in my schedule by that point in the day. Too much room for excuses so for now I'm going to get up in the mornings and do this. I don't have a plan other than walking the rest of this week and starting back at week 1 of couch to 5k next week. I think I enjoyed it so much last time because there were weekly, attainable goals.

Thank you again to everyone for helping pick me back up. I plan on doing some blog reading later this afternoon and catch up with you all!

the vicious circle

I can't believe how long it's been since I was here last.

It all started with a piece of pound cake. We're not talking any ordinary pound cake, this was a real southern ALL butter pound cake. I had one slice and then was forced to take half home from the dinner party. I put it in the freezer thinking that would deter me but it only made it more delicious.

At that point I was on week 5 of couch to 5k and finally feeling good again after the ups and downs of the job loss and starting my own company.

I probably shouldn't blame it all on the pound cake. One day out of the blue I suffered what I now know was a full blown anxiety attack. I've suffered with anxiety as long as I can remember and went off the Lexapro once I was out of my miserable job situation. I had some small anxiety attacks in the past but it seemed to be going great until that one day - I truly thought I was dying.

Since then, I've had a full cardiology workup and given the all clear but I have done nothing more than dog walking in flip-flops for exercise. It felt weird putting on my running shoes when we went for a hike in the mountains over the weekend. I'm back on the meds and feeling so much better but the answer to all my other problems is exercise and I'm still not doing it.

The vicious circle goes a little like this: not eating right+lack of exercise=not sleeping well=lack of energy=not eating right+lack of exercise.

This blog post today was my first step in getting back on track. I don't have a plan other than a fridge full of healthy food and 6am gym on the schedule for tomorrow. Not even sure what I'll do yet but anything is better than this. I owe it to myself. I owe it to my husband. I'm hoping coming back to the blog will keep me accountable.

no news is good news

I didn't quite realize how long it's been since I last posted until Shelley, Tammy and Juice started checking up on me! I'm so lucky to have made such great friends here in blogland that people actually miss me.

Things are really pretty darn samey same over here so I haven't posted much. I didn't want to write a boring post about being bored :) I'm working 2 jobs, one for myself and one for someone else, and as always struggling to find the time to work out. I've been maintaining by eating well and walking the dogs but it's not enough for me. These days I need the hard exercise to keep my anxiety at bay and my energy up. I have made it to week 4 of couch to 5k and have been stuck there for a few weeks. Hopefully after a week or so of getting up early I'll be ready to move on to week 5. I'm so proud of myself for making it this far I can't give up now.

Everything is once again pointing me to morning workouts. I don't know why it's so hard for me other than the fact my mom says I have never been a morning person since birth. Things change as we get older so maybe after a couple of months, I will be that morning person I envy. I will stop saying "whatever Melissa" as the girl from the end of the street is finishing her morning run as I'm just opening the curtains. Tomorrow I'm up and out the door at 5:45. This can't be so bad. Right???

Thanks again to my girls for checking up on me. You inspire me every day!

mind over matter

I don't remember which one of my fabulous blog friends commented when I lost my job about how this was going to be a huge turning point for me in terms of finally taking care of myself. Whoever it was, you were right.

It's really weird how suddenly different my mind works. Maybe it's because I'm not being beaten down by a miserable man every day and feel like I'm worth it. It may be one of those situations where you never realized how bad it was until you're on the other side of it.

This all started yesterday which was my first day of week 4 of couch to 5k. I had repeated week 3 and was feeling pretty confident about moving on up until about halfway through my run. I just couldn't do it. I did the 3 minute followed by the 5 minute (a mere 90 second recovery) and then I just couldn't go on. I'm no quitter but it was just a bad day. It happens. Last night as we were going to bed I told my husband I was taking today off. All he said was "don't let this beat you" and that was all I needed. (yes I'm the luckiest girl in the world because I have a cute, sweet, super supportive Scottish husband...I highly recommend them!)

Today I was up at the crack of dawn and damned if I didn't show week 4 who's boss. It took EVERYTHING I had. I literally had to wring out my ponytail and my clothes were so soaked I couldn't even bring myself to throw them on the bedroom carpet. Straight to the basement :) I even have my first case of runners nipple. Almost as painful as dental surgery. Time to invest in some new bras and some Body Glide (I've only ever used it for blisters but folks say it does wonders for the nipples!)

I've definitely raised the bar. There's no going back now. I have set goals, met goals, and moved on to new goals. I remember this mindset from my past. It's exactly as it was when I lost 100 pounds 10 years ago. It's so nice to meet the real me again.

Checking in!

It's time for me to check in on my blog buddies again.

Things never slow down over here and now I've taken on a part-time job to add some more crazy to the mix. I'm just helping out at a friends agency for 3 hours a day, 5 days a week. JUST when I was getting into my routine of going to the gym in the morning! Now it's even harder to fit it in but somehow doing this couch to 5k thing has changed my attitude and I find myself making it a priority. That is a really REALLY big step for me.

Still running along and I've managed to make it through week 3 of Couch to 5k. I'm "holding myself back a grade" as I call it and doing week 3 twice. I just wasn't sure I'd "graduated" from week 3 yet :) Since I'm only doing this for myself, I don't feel bad about taking it at my own pace. All I know is that eventually I want to be like the girl next to me on the treadmill today - she was almost 2 miles in and hadn't broken a sweat. I was gasping for breath and dripping sweat on to the belt!

The weight is coming off SOO slowly but things are taking shape. My legs look so much better and I swear my ass has lifted about 3 inches. My current jeans make me feel like I'm wearing a diaper they are so baggy but I'm holding out as long as I can before I buy new ones.

More than anything, I'm happy with my attitude toward my fitness goals and even my attitude toward food. I just managed to go through a weekend without gaining any weight which may have only happened once or twice in my life. I've been trying to eat just a little bit when I feel hungry and never let myself get to the ravenous "screw it all lets go get mexican food and margaritas" point. I've also been trying to satisfy my cravings with my own light versions of things. For some reason I was desperate for banana pudding and found out Jello makes a fudge banana 45 calorie variety. It was delicious and totally satisfied that beast. Then I wanted a hot dog from the Varsity. If you have ever been there you know how good they are. Instead I got some 97% fat free Hebrew Nationals and light whole wheat buns. Totally hit the spot. It can be done and I can stay satisfied without blowing it. Why is it that this seems all new to me???? I've done this before and I know what works but sometimes it's like learning it all over again.

Hope everyone out there is great. Spring is such a wonderful time of year. I wish it would last forever!!

My first 5K

When I first started my couch to 5k program I never planned on actually running an organized 5K but the opportunity has come up and I'm going to go for it. The hospital where my husband works has a team for the Komen race this year on May 8th and we are signing up. Both of us!

Technically I just finished week 2 of the program but now that this has come up I'm going to get another session in this weekend before I start week 3. The race is 4 weeks away but I don't have to run the whole thing. It will be good practice, and great fun.

As some of you know I'm a long time Breast Cancer 3-day walker and crew member. This will be my first Race for the Cure and I'm looking forward to participating in a different event.

You'd think all this running would lead to some weight loss but I feel great so it doesn't matter that much to me right now. I'm focusing on my fitness goals and hoping that weight loss will be a happy side effect. I've been a in a food rut which hasn't helped. Something about the change of seasons leaves me struggling with what to eat. Nothing sounds good to me right now but I have to get some meals planned. I'm on to week 3 of c25k and my husband is starting a fitness boot camp. We need some good fuel for our fire :)

I'm giving myself some time to catch up on my blog reading today. Hope you are all doing well!

Couch to 5k week 2

I made it through week one! I'm actually moving on to week 2! Excuse the exclamation points! I've never made it this far!!

It went really well some days were easier than others but I was never overly sore but could still feel the "zing" which is how I knew I was doing the right amount. One thing for sure, it has whipped my lungs into shape! A week ago I could barely walk around the block and yesterday I was running around with my husband and dogs on our walk like it was nothing. So far I'm really impressed with this program.

On the work front, I'm still working harder than ever to make ends meet but I'm getting the hang of it, one baby step at a time. Some of my learning is coming from mistakes and that's very hard for me but it's part of the process. It's the process defining my process. Never did I think that would be so exhausting!

Now, our dogs are so dirty they have "ring around the neck" so I'm off to go give them a bath.

Hope everyone is doing great out there!! Thinking of you all even though I haven't had time to comment.

sometimes things just stick

I'm sure y'all are surprised to hear from me again! I never thought I would emerge from the pile of work I've been under. When I would dream of working for myself, there was lots of working out, sitting in the sun, shopping, vacations etc. Let me just tell you it's absolutely nothing like that. Don't get me wrong, it's great and I don't have to drive 50 miles a day but somehow I managed to fall into a vicious cycle of working from 7am to 8pm and literally doing nothing else. Somehow I managed to lose 2 pounds but that's probably from my muscles withering away to nothing.

After my little wake up call with the surgeon you would think I would have been right back in the gym. Instead I crawled into my office cave and hid behind my mac for 2 weeks. Until today.

2 things hit me like a kettle bell to the head recently.

First, I was at my moms over the weekend and she was really concerned about how stressed I've been. We were talking about how all my working life, the single and/or childless people were always the ones who got stuck doing all the long hours. In fact, my best friend says that at her next job she's going to put some frames up with kids pictures in them and claim them as her own. Once again, everyone on my team has kids so there's all kinds of doctors appts and school things and sicknesses. So mom says, "You can be your own kid. Treat your body as your child. If your child had to exercise you would make sure it got done. If your kid had to go to the doctor you wouldn't hesitate." My mother is so wise and that simple statement has completely changed my mindset.

The second revelation was a strange one to me and I would almost feel bad about it if it hadn't been so helpful to me. Last week the ING Marathon took place here in Atlanta. It's something I've always wanted to do because it takes place on my side of town and goes through all the great neighborhoods. I noticed on Facebook that the girlfriend of a friend of mine was running the half but what hit me was her boyfriend (my friend) was driving around town to watch her go by, drinking coffee and posting about it on Facebook. They both struggle with their weight (even more so since they moved in together) but she was DOING and he was sitting on his ass watching. I thought to myself, that's me. Right now. I'm that fat guy (girl in this case!) sitting at the coffee shop watching people run by. Why am I not running in the half marathon if that's what I want to do??? It's haunted me like a bad dream ever since.

Today I started 9 weeks of couch to 5k and I'm not going to stop until I can do this half marathon next year. I have an entire year to work up to it. If I can walk 4 and a half marathons (120 miles!!) on the 3-Day then certainly I can work my way up to running 13.1.

I think I needed something to work toward. A longer term goal other than just losing weight. I feel inspired. I even figured out how to make my couch to 5k playlist with the run/walk commands over top of it so I don't have to do the math! Hooray for no math!

Hope you all are doing well and feeling great!!

Getting serious(er)

Again, I've been a terrible blogger but things have been crazy as always.

Good news - turns out I don't have to have surgery.
Bad news - still too fat

I went to see the surgeon on Friday and was really feeling better after waiting a week to see him. He poked at my stomach, got out his little BMI wheel and told me he would operate on me right away if he could find anything. The cause of my pain was most likely due to the excess weight around my middle. He asked me if I'd ever considered bariatric surgery and as the tears started he said, "I can see in your eyes that you want to do something". I said I would consider talking to someone about it and then he left the room. A minute later he was back with not one but 2 bariatric surgeons. I was taken by surprise and said well I didn't think you meant NOW!

I sat through the discussion with an open mind. I looked at an actual lap band and was surprised how big it was. I asked him if they made a petite version for us smaller folks and that was a no. I could never have that thing in me forever anyway. On to the next options. All the gastric bypass options sound great. In theory. I left with a ton of information and a checklist of things I would have to do to qualify for the surgery health wise and insurance wise.

I met up with my husband who works at the hospital and I was in tears for most of the rest of the day. We talked a lot about it but I knew I had to talk to someone who has had it done. My sister has a friend who was kind enough to talk to me about her surgery. She was thrilled with it. Said she wished she had done it years earlier but I really had to know what it was like to eat or not eat as the case may be and what about the vomiting? The answers to those questions were what I needed to confirm how seriously life changing weight loss surgery is ...and it's forever.

I can't figure out if I think of it differently having lost 100 pounds once on my own. Is that what's keeping me from listening to the 3rd doctor to tell me I need to have surgery? Sometimes I think my dad is looking down on me saying "Just have the damn surgery. Don't you think I would have if I would have had the chance?" He struggled with his weight as long as I can remember and it eventually killed him at 49.

Deep down, way down, I know I could never do it. I have to keep fighting, working hard and face it knowing that my obesity is just now starting to cause me health problems. I'm lucky that I don't have diabetes, sleep apnea, girlie problems or high blood pressure but is it lurking around the corner? If you ask the doctors the answer is yes.

Either way this is a big wake up call. Right now, I choose a life of working out 7 days a week over throwing up and not being able to eat. I know I can do it which is what drives me but I also know why and respect the people choose the surgery. It's not an easy way out by any means and I'm extremely happy for everyone who has been successful, regardless of what it took to get there.

It feels great to be back to working out since the doctor said it was okay. I've been walking and swimming and just trying to do a little more every day. Now after spending all morning blogging, time for some work and an early lunch. Swimming makes me STARVING...ever since I was a kid! Hope everyone is well. I will do some catching up while I eat my lunch!