Monday Mix Tape

The wait
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I'm going on day 8 of my liquid diet, so I'm a little zombie-like but managing. Having trouble putting thoughts into words so this is going to be a short one. I survived the weekend by the skin of my teeth!

Still waiting to hear of approval from insurance. It's all in their hands and I freak out every time the phone rings. Today I called to check on things and I almost had a heart attack on hold only to find out it was still in review and would be available Wednesday a the latest. My biggest fear is that they need something else from my GP which would mean an extra week of liquids. That seems very daunting.

The weight
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Now that's the good news. 8 lbs in 7 days. Yes I did think about staying on this diet and losing 100 pounds on liquids without surgery but then I would probably gain 150 pounds once I gave up that craziness.

The weird
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It's hard to explain what it's like knowing you will never have certain things again. I've had the last of the lasts and I'm never again going to start over on Monday. I had a million "last suppers" and here in 2013 at 43 years of age I'm saying goodbye to that destructive cycle. I feel like I'm living the life of someone else right now and it's probably because I am ?!?!

I will keep y'all posted!

Spin-sational!

It finally happened. I had a breakthrough. I love spin.

I've been a little worried about how much I should exercise while on this liquid diet but honestly, I'm not sure what I would do with my free time if I wasn't exercising. I NEED it to stay focused and to stay sane through this. It's a welcome distraction and since I burned 795 calories while eating 800, I can't imagine that wouldn't show up on the scale one of these days!

Today was probably my 5th or 6th class. Spin class at our Y is kind of a cross between a crazy disco dance party and a southern baptist gospel church. It's really fun when you aren't wishing you were dead or wanting to quit and today I finally had fun. The whole time. I usually sit down halfway through the standing "hills" but today I closed my eyes, embraced the music, breathed deeply and conquered them all.

Totally exhilarating. I couldn't get my smoothie made fast enough and I ended up having to have a teaspoon of peanut butter so I wouldn't pass out.

It's going to be really interesting to see how much weight I can lose prior to surgery. The point of the liquid diet is to shrink the liver for easier access to the stomach. I'm going to have a really skinny liver if I keep this up!

To my husband, if you read this, I'm going to kick your ass on the bikes this spring. Be warned!

And so it begins..

Exactly 3 months after I first saw the surgeon - we are 2 weeks away which means liquid diet for me!
Little bit of a panic attack at the surgeons office this morning - my primary care doctor left out an important sentence in her letter so I walked it down to her office and begged and pleaded with them them to fix it in the next day or 2. If we wait too long, I'll have to do an extra week of liquids. Everything else is ready to submit to insurance and it's up to Cigna after that.

I loaded up on supplies. Plenty of protein shakes, gummy vitamins (for grownups) and calcium chews. Because I'm not having the full gastric bypass my vitamin regimen isn't as strict. I did add some Biotin because some people say that it helps with hair loss. (I really don't want to lose my already thin $200 highlights!)

I know myself and I know I'm not going to want to cook much dinner while I'm doing liquids so Sunday was a cooking extravaganza. My husband is not entirely helpless in the kitchen but it's less stressful for me if meals are planned and he's not in there making a big mess (sorry honey it's the truth!) I got 3 pounds of fresh chicken sausage from the farmers market and turned it into several weeks worth of pasta sauce and chili. I also made a giant batch of pea soup for me but that wasn't as appetizing so I left it out of the picture. Every storage container in my house is in use and there's not an ounce of room in the freezer.

My neighbor sent me a message this morning saying "this is the first day of the rest of your life" and it made me so happy - totally started off my adventure on a high note :)

Reality

Things are starting to sink in a little bit around here. I'm experiencing a full range of crazy. Sad, impatient, scared, anxious, sleepless, bitchy, excited, tired, hungry, nauseous, etc. etc.

It started when the dietician/coordinator said the date to me for the first time -  it's not confirmed but it's looking like January 29th. When she said it I had a mini anxiety attack. A tingling from my toes to the top of my head and I thought I was going to faint.

Now I know I'm not going to die on the operating table but we're getting to the point where I'm seeing people for the last time before going in for surgery (like mom) and I'm losing my sh*t. This is completely unexpected. I don't know how I ever thought I should know what to expect since I've never had anything but wisdom teeth surgery (which was horrific and I threw up all over Worlds Nicest Ex Boyfriend - more than once). I had lunch with  mom yesterday and my sister invited her husband (which was fine) but also a guy he works with that didn't know. I kinda freaked out a little and I feel bad for it. But I apologized. (I have a feeling I'm going to have to do a bit of apologizing over the next few weeks).

I can't stop crying today so I texted the amazing Crys who has gone through all of this and of course said all of the right things and I'm going to take her advice as always. She said to allow myself to feel all the feelings and that it's scary and emotional to be so close to something we want so badly. The bad news? "This is just the prologue of crazy. You've got 10 more chapters and the benediction my friend." That was my first laugh of the day. Thank God I've been working with my clients forever and when I burst into tears on the phone they get it!

I already feel better for blogging about it so thanks to everyone for your love, support and prayers. I'm also taking of advantage of this moment to apologize in advance to anyone who has to be around me for the next 2 weeks. I love you all and it's not you it's me!

Monday mix tape

Fat on Facebook
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 Over the weekend I came of the blog closet and shared my blog with all 287 Facebook friends. I promised myself I would once I hit 600 followers and that happened thanks to this lovely young lady! Thank you for being the kick in the ass I needed to put it all out there. I got a really nice email from Worlds Nicest Ex-Boyfriend encouraging me to keep 'living out loud'. I also got a few other messages that were so full of love and encouragement that I got all verklempt (I never pass up a chance to use my favorite yiddish word)



 Margaritas? Also not considered a liquid!
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And so it begins. I'm easing my way into my pre-op liquid diet a week ahead of time by doing juices and protein shakes during the day and then having something sensible for dinner. Because of that I felt I DESERVED a Vitamix! Actually I've been saving my money, gift cards and Blood Bath and Beyond (funniest store name ever on the Simpsons) coupons. Of course someone like me (some say obsessive, I say neat) would never buy a $500 blender without rearranging my entire kitchen to accommodate it so I haven't even used it yet because I just went to the farmers market for stuff to put in it.

If you had ever told me in my twenties that I would own a $500 blender and a $500 vacuum cleaner I'd have laughed myself silly.

 Luckily we have the best juice store on the planet and it's a minute from my house. This one is new and I'm THRILLED because it has no cucumber in it. Most of their juices do and it's all I can taste. I just hate cucumbers. Always have. It's a shame because they are a good non-carbohydrate vehicle for hummus. I'm going to try to replicate this one in my Vitamix.

That was lunch and it was DEEEEELISH! There's kale in it but didn't taste like dirt at all!

Pinteresting
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Over the holidays I did TWO projects that I pinned on Pinterest. One of them was a New Years Eve gift to our best friends and neighbors-we each of us got a simple mason jar (I made it a little more fancy) to be filled with things we are grateful for throughout the year. I thought it would be fun to look through all of our jars next New Years Eve. I tend to rattle off all the bad things that happen to me in a day or a week or a year. This is a way to keep me aware of how awesome my life is.

I already have 2 things in there. One was a love note my husband left on my pillow AFTER he made the bed with clean sheets! See how lucky I am????

The Last Supper 
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One of things I'm trying really hard to avoid is the urge to eat everything on the planet since my days of eating like "normal" are numbered. I've been working out constantly (anyone want to go to spin at 6am tomorrow?) and I feel like I'm really doing well here in the early stages of my divorce with food. I've decided to have "The Last Supper" instead of dragging this out over multiple days. We're going for ONE decadent night of food and drinks. Rathbun's Steak for dinner and for drinks, Sister Louisa's Church of the Living Room and Ping Pong Emporium. Everyone asks why I want to go to a dive bar and a fancy restaurant on the same night but it's MY night and it's also because they have this painting (and kick ass sangria!)

I hope this isn't offensive to anyone - it's not to me and I'm a good Catholic. I just love art of all kinds and find it very apropos.

The crazy decadent meals with the multiple courses and bottles and bottles of wine will be greatly missed in my life but will be totally worth it.

New year, new everything!

Welcome to 2013!

Normally I hate the new year because it means that it's just another year where I achieved none of my weight loss goals. It's also that time of year when us die hard gym go-ers are horrified to find our usual spaces packed full of New Years Resolutioners. February will be back to normal and the herd will thin...much like the 2nd year of art school in a beach town :)

I woke up with a sore back which is a direct result of a week off of yoga because they've been redoing the floors at the yoga studio. Thank GOD they are replacing the carpet with bamboo. Carpet...at hot yoga...disgusting btw. I did some at home which could also explain the sore back. Swimming sounded like a nice idea today since I THOUGHT that kids were back in school but because I didn't do a simple googling, I ended up at the Y in da 'hood  and it was full of 'em. So much so that I had to sit in the hot tub for a while and wait for a lane. Getting into the hot tub was interesting since there was an enormous woman with neck tattoos sitting on the steps. I said excuse me and she said "you can get in over there". She could have eaten me for lunch so I bit my tongue and entered very awkwardly not using the steps. The whole time she yelled at her 3 kids in the pool swimming laps "aint none of you gonna be Michael Phelps if you don't get your asses up an swim faster". Luckily she got out right before a lane opened up so I could get out using the steps. Unluckily, she was wearing a white tank top with nothing underneath. Ahhh good times at the Y. I swore I would never go to that pool again and I could have driven to my fancier gym but then you wouldn't have gotten to hear this story!

I do feel pretty self righteous for having worked out right up until the holidays. Christmas day and New Years Day were my days off - NOT all the days between Halloween and the 2nd week of January like I've been known to do. This year is different. For so many reasons.

Since I decided to have weight loss surgery my goal was to have all my prerequisites met by the end of the year - which I accomplished on December 28th, leaving the pulmonologists office with a letter in hand. Clear for surgery. The second to the last hurdle. All my letters from my primary care doc, psychological evaluation and pulmonologist will be sent to my insurance company on January 14th at my final appointment with the dietician. 5 days later I will have a date. January 29th is my guess but it could be the week after.

I've been doing nothing but preparing and researching and preparing some more. I'm going to be more prepared for this surgery than anyone has ever been before. Obsessed would probably be the word to use at the moment. I feel like the harder I work before, the quicker and easier it will be to heal and get back to normal life.

Today I started testing all the protein shakes I've purchased for my 2 week pre-op liquid diet Can you believe red wine is not considered a liquid? The Muscle Milk variety was okay but it gave me protein flavored burps. More of the powdered variety are on the way through the magic of the internet and I have several brands of the ready to drink to sample. Apparently most people don't like whatever kinds they drank before surgery after surgery so it's best not to stock up on the Costco sized barrel o' protein. I won't have to drink them forever - they want me eating protein from food after about the 6 week mark.

SO in less than a month, my life is going to change forever. 2013 is going to be the year I finally achieve my health and fitness goals. Next New Years Eve will NOT be spent miserable and stuffed into the last pair of jeans that fit. Did I mention I've been working out like a dog? Yeah and my jeans are still too tight. 

My 25th (barf) high school reunion is this October. If all goes well I will have lost 100 pounds by then. For the first time in a really really really long time, I believe that's possible.

I'm not crazy...my doctor had me tested!

Sorry - I couldn't resist the Sheldon Cooper reference for any Big Bang theory fans.

I've officially been psychologically approved for surgery and I honestly didn't expect to feel so relieved about that :) 

One thing I can say for sure is that I'm a huge fan of my psychologist - not just because he approved me but because I feel like he's really there for me and all the others on this crazy journey. At one point during the evaluation I was telling him about the weight I had gained after the Peachtree and the 3-Day and I looked at him all teary-eyed and I could see he TRULY got it. He said "that must have been so hard" and he really meant it. I felt like he was the first person ever that didn't blow it off as "water weight" or "muscle mass" and understood what that does to my head.

** Quick rant -  you may agree or disagree - I had a 3 hour psychological evaluation for elective surgery but you don't have to have that to get a gun. Rant over! **

The best part of being a huge fan of my shrink (can I call him that?? Do people still say that??) Could say therapist instead but that kind of seems like it downplays his expertise in his field. Anyway, he holds several support groups monthly and I feel like it's an honor to have access to that kind of support. Before and after! Tomorrow night will be one of the largest I've been to and my husband will be coming with me. I never thought that would be something I looked forward to but then again exercise was the same way.

I'm in the process of reading everything I can get my hands on in order to be as prepared and successful as I can be. There's some but not a ton out there which is why I've started tagging my posts if there's anyone out there like me struggling to find a more 'real life' account because I've read all the medical info there is!


Chances are pretty good that I won't post again until after Christmas unless anything big comes up. I think it's important to document the process but I don't want to blah blah blah on about in every post either! I'm trying not to be like one of those people that has a baby and that's all they ever talk about and they lose themselves in all of it.

Finally, hugs to all the parents and teachers. I'm totally devastated by the shootings in CT and I can't even imagine how much harder it would be if I were a parent, or a teacher or both.

God bless you all and Happy Holidays!

This one's a doozie...

Yes it's been a really long time and this is going to be a really long post so grab your favorite beverage and pull up a chair!

OCTOBER

I last blogged as I was leaving for the 3 day. As always it was life changing experience. Full of joy, pain, happiness, sadness and by God was I tired and dirty by the end of every day :) This year I stayed in a hotel so I could soak my feet in epsom salt. It helped a lot with my tendonitis but I still got wicked blisters and just suffered through it. Every night when I got back to my room I would feel like there was no way in hell I was going to be able to do it again the next day...but I did.

I was by myself this year (which is actually really nice!) but of course I met a friend right away and kept each other going! I walked with Flat Carol, my cardboard tribute to my Aunt who passed away last year. She was a huge hit. People got to know her and would say hey to Flat Carol each day.

We walked and talked with a woman for a few miles who was 38, had 3 kids and had to go back to chemo the Tuesday after the walk - I would have never known if she hadn't taken off her hat. That moment was a big one for me which I promise I will come back to.

 

After 3 long days. 8 hours of walking every day. 60 miles and then some. My husband and friends were waiting for me at the finish line. Words cannot express how great that feels.

   

The joy was fleeting. I gained 8 pounds. 

NOVEMBER

I missed running after training for the 3-Day so I started that again right away. I did my first ever Thanksgiving Day 5k! It was a beautiful day and a great race. The 5k finished with the elite of the half marathon that was going on simultaneously and they were sprinting past us. If all goes according to plan, I will be doing the half next year. I highly recommend a race on Thanksgiving morning. What an amazing way to start the day!

 I gained 6 pounds for Thanksgiving.  

DECEMBER

My 43rd birthday was December 8th. It was one of the best birthdays I've ever had - filled with joy, love, friends and fun. I could not ask for a better life.

Except for one thing.

Something very strange happened to me somewhere between November and December. I was driving on the highway in downtown Atlanta. 16 lanes of rush hour traffic and for whatever reason, I get a message -a revelation of sorts. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before but I guess sometimes when you ask for answers, you get them when you least expect it. I pulled over and I cried my eyes out for 20 minutes because I knew it was true.

The message was simple. It's time for surgery.

Sometime in late January I'm having a vertical sleeve gastrectomy. When I found out my insurance covers almost all of it, I knew it was going to happen.

I may be crazy but I doubt it and luckily this process requires that a qualified professional make that decision for me. I'm going through that part of the process right now and taking none of it lightly.

My first psychological evaluation was on Tuesday and it was almost 4 hours. I should know by Monday if I'm cleared to move forward or if I'll be put on hold for more extensive therapy. I don't mind either way because I want to do whatever I need to do to be successful.

If you are reading this and think that weight loss surgery is giving up or being lazy, I urge you to go back and read the beginning of this post. Especially the part about walking 60 miles with women who are undergoing treatment for cancer. They aren't giving up and neither am I. Something is WRONG with me and how I process food. That's going to get fixed and the rest of it, the psychologist and my amazing network of supporters will help me deal with.

My reason is simple. I want to be the athlete that's inside of me. I want to be real yogi. In fact, I want to teach yoga when this is all said and done.  I don't see one ounce of "laziness" or "giving up" in that statement. I just can't drag this hundred pounds around with me anymore on my 5ks, 10ks and 3-Days. It's going to kill me.

When my friend Crys announced her decision to the blogosphere, she got a lot of hate. Like her, I will just delete it and really not care but she has lost 100 pounds in 6 months and has changed her life. Go have a look...your jaw will drop. She has been a huge support and a wonderful friend. We go to support groups together and have met some amazing people. Several who formerly 300+ pound marathon runners. It's all so inspiring and totally exciting.

Don't get me wrong. I have my fears. Mostly of sagging skin which is really stupid when you think about it. I worry about making the wrong decision about what surgery to have though the doctors are all leaning toward the sleeve since I don't have diabetes and it's less invasive.

I met with the dietician who I adore and she put my mind at ease about being able to eat enough to fuel my athletic endeavors. The army of doctors and professionals who have been and will be part of this process are some of the best in the world. They are easing my fears and I'm ready.

I have a few more steps to take. If the psychologist clears me I see the pulmonologist right after Christmas and he may require a sleep study. If they give me the go ahead that's it except for one more appointment with the dietician and then all the pre-surgery blood work.

Whew. I can't believe I finally wrote this post. I hope all my loyal readers and die hard supporters will continue to follow my journey. I can promise you one thing...it will be interesting!!!!

If you have any questions just email me. tinatait(at)gmail(dot)com.

did I pack enough pink?

Walk Week

My 3rd 3-Day begins Friday at dawn. I'm nervous and excited all at once! My mom made my tutu and I wrote the names of all the people I'm walking for on the ribbons. There are 13 names on there. 12 are survivors and one is my Aunt I lost last year at this time.

I'm am pain free after this last cortisone shot. I'm such a nicer person and it's so nice to be able to run around without the constant complaining coming from my foot. My husband is worried I'm going to over-do it but I promised him and myself that I will take it easy and stop if I have to. One of my friends drives a sweep van and I will take advantage of the ride when needed.

I will report back next week and let y'all know how it goes!