Again, I've been a terrible blogger but things have been crazy as always.

Good news - turns out I don't have to have surgery.
Bad news - still too fat

I went to see the surgeon on Friday and was really feeling better after waiting a week to see him. He poked at my stomach, got out his little BMI wheel and told me he would operate on me right away if he could find anything. The cause of my pain was most likely due to the excess weight around my middle. He asked me if I'd ever considered bariatric surgery and as the tears started he said, "I can see in your eyes that you want to do something". I said I would consider talking to someone about it and then he left the room. A minute later he was back with not one but 2 bariatric surgeons. I was taken by surprise and said well I didn't think you meant NOW!

I sat through the discussion with an open mind. I looked at an actual lap band and was surprised how big it was. I asked him if they made a petite version for us smaller folks and that was a no. I could never have that thing in me forever anyway. On to the next options. All the gastric bypass options sound great. In theory. I left with a ton of information and a checklist of things I would have to do to qualify for the surgery health wise and insurance wise.

I met up with my husband who works at the hospital and I was in tears for most of the rest of the day. We talked a lot about it but I knew I had to talk to someone who has had it done. My sister has a friend who was kind enough to talk to me about her surgery. She was thrilled with it. Said she wished she had done it years earlier but I really had to know what it was like to eat or not eat as the case may be and what about the vomiting? The answers to those questions were what I needed to confirm how seriously life changing weight loss surgery is ...and it's forever.

I can't figure out if I think of it differently having lost 100 pounds once on my own. Is that what's keeping me from listening to the 3rd doctor to tell me I need to have surgery? Sometimes I think my dad is looking down on me saying "Just have the damn surgery. Don't you think I would have if I would have had the chance?" He struggled with his weight as long as I can remember and it eventually killed him at 49.

Deep down, way down, I know I could never do it. I have to keep fighting, working hard and face it knowing that my obesity is just now starting to cause me health problems. I'm lucky that I don't have diabetes, sleep apnea, girlie problems or high blood pressure but is it lurking around the corner? If you ask the doctors the answer is yes.

Either way this is a big wake up call. Right now, I choose a life of working out 7 days a week over throwing up and not being able to eat. I know I can do it which is what drives me but I also know why and respect the people choose the surgery. It's not an easy way out by any means and I'm extremely happy for everyone who has been successful, regardless of what it took to get there.

It feels great to be back to working out since the doctor said it was okay. I've been walking and swimming and just trying to do a little more every day. Now after spending all morning blogging, time for some work and an early lunch. Swimming makes me STARVING...ever since I was a kid! Hope everyone is well. I will do some catching up while I eat my lunch!